Why Setting Boundaries Can Make You Feel So Guilty—Even When You’re Just Taking Care of Yourself
There’s a certain kind of guilt that shows up the moment you try setting boundaries that help you care for yourself.
You say no—and immediately feel mean, like you shouldn’t cut someone off when they need you.
You ask for space—and suddenly feel like you’ve abandoned someone.
You speak your truth—and then wonder if it was too harsh or hurtful.
Setting boundaries is hard—not because we’re doing something wrong, but because it forces us to weigh two unfavorable outcomes:
- Do I deal with the pushback, the tension, the guilt, and potential conflict that may arise in my relationships?
- Or do I deal with the pain of not setting the boundary—overwhelm, resentment, self-abandonment, or the feeling of being smothered?
In other words: Will the benefit of protecting my peace be outweighed by the emotional toll of someone else’s reaction?
And so we find ourselves in a kind of emotional tug-of-war.
Knowing how draining it can be, we might avoid the whole thing altogether.
We stop asking ourselves what we need. We push it down—not because we don’t matter, but because the stakes feel too high.
This is the messy, nuanced work of boundary-setting.
In this blog, I can’t take away the messiness—but I can offer a clearer path through the fog.
Let’s walk it together.
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A 3-Step Path to Setting Boundaries—Even When It Feels Difficult
So how do you set a boundary when it brings up guilt, anxiety, or fear of conflict?
Don’t worry—I’m not about to tell you to blow up your life or bulldoze everyone in the name of self-care.
Setting boundaries is scary. I get it. I’ve been there—and honestly, I still struggle sometimes.
This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about practice.
It takes time, self-compassion, and a gentle building of courage.
Below, I’ll walk you through three simple steps to help you begin—without needing to have it all figured out.
Step One: Start With the Body—Just Ask the Question
Before you take action, pause.
Just ask yourself the question.
Let’s say someone asks something of you. Before responding, drop into your body.
Do you notice tension? Dread? A tightness in your chest? A wave of exhaustion?
Or do you feel open, energized—maybe even joyful?
Now flip the thought: What if I didn’t do it?
Do you feel any sense of relief? A lightness in your breath or shoulders?
That’s step one, my friend. That’s it.
Just notice. You don’t have to act yet.
I give you full permission not to set the boundary right now.
This step is important.
It lets you reconnect with yourself before you start juggling all the possible consequences of actually saying no.
You get to pause and listen, without pressure to fix or explain.
Step Two: Practice When the Stakes Are Low
You don’t have to start with your most complicated relationship.
In fact, please don’t.
Practice in safer, more neutral spaces—like with a casual acquaintance or someone you feel generally secure with.
You’re not trying to get it perfect. You’re just building the muscle.
Try something simple, like:
- “That doesn’t work for me right now.”
- “I’m not available for that.”
- “I want to stay connected, and I need __ to make that possible.”
These phrases are clear, kind, and direct—and they don’t over-explain.
You can always follow up later. The goal is to honor your truth in real time.
Step Three: Work With the Distress That Will Arise
So you did it.
Ugh! The feels, right? Here they are—the emotions you’d honestly rather avoid.
Now, in step three, we work with the feels.
Here’s the cool thing: the fact that they’re showing up doesn’t mean you did something wrong.
It usually means you did something right.
It means you did something new. And that’s scary.
Expect the guilt.
Expect the tension.
Expect the nervous system flare-up.
And then—meet it with care.
Try this:
Place a hand on your heart or belly and say,
“Of course this is hard. I’m doing something new. It will get easier with time.”
or even,
“Okay, dang. Good for you! You did it.”
Here’s a real example: I remember doing this at a chiropractor appointment. She was running really late, and I started feeling resentful. Indignant. “I’m busy. Doesn’t she care about my time?”
And then I realized—I didn’t have to stay. I didn’t even really like this chiropractor. I felt swindled into treatments I didn’t need.
So I told the staff I was leaving and wouldn’t be rescheduling. They asked if I wanted to rebook, and I just said, “No, thank you.”
Then I got back in my car and immediately thought: Was I a total jerk?
But then another voice came in:
“You go, girl. You did it. You advocated for yourself. Your time is valuable. Nice work claiming that.”
Next:
Breathe into the tightness and name what you’re feeling—without trying to fix it.
“This is just anxiety.”
“This is just guilt.”
And finally:
Remind yourself:
Guilt is not the same thing as wrongdoing.
Most of the time, it’s just an old pattern being disrupted.
Before You Go… Wait—Am I Setting a Boundary or Just Building a Wall?
Before we wrap, let’s clear something up:
A boundary is something you create to stay in integrity with yourself.
A wall is something you build to shut everything out.
Boundaries invite clarity.
Walls create distance.
Boundaries are rooted in self-respect.
Walls are often rooted in fear.
But here’s the thing:
When we’re first learning how to set boundaries, we sometimes need walls.
They’re a survival strategy—and often a necessary first step.
Still, as we heal, the question becomes:
How can I build a boundary that protects my peace without closing my heart?
And yes—it can be messy.
Sometimes it looks like swinging too far in one direction.
I’ve definitely come across too harsh or too direct. (Ugh, cringey cringe thinking of some of those early moments.)
Then I’d swing the other way—too vague, too soft, overly accommodating.
Eventually, you find your middle.
So please—trust this process.
You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just learning a new way to care for yourself.
And it’s worth it.
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Curious why setting boundaries is so difficult in the first place? You might enjoy this blog: Generational Trauma
