When Self-Sabotage Creeps In
Is self-sabotage getting in the way of a goal you truly care about—leaving you procrastinating, resisting, or even working against yourself?
You want to:
- feel better in your body
- nourish yourself consistently
- build habits that support your energy and well-being
But instead, you might:
- binge late at night even though you planned not to
- skip meals and then feel out of control later
- scroll instead of moving your body, even though you know it helps your mood
✨ And just to be clear—there’s nothing wrong with a late-night yummy snack and some good scroll time. There’s nothing wrong with not moving if your body is asking for rest.
Sometimes those things are exactly what you need.
But if you’ve done some deeper reflection and realized that the frequency, intensity, or aftermath of these patterns don’t actually feel good for you—that they leave you disconnected, depleted, or stuck—then there’s likely more going on beneath the surface.
You do want this change. You’re committed.
At least… most of you is.
It’s frustrating—and confusing.
You do want this change. You’re committed.
At least… most of you is.
But there may be another part that’s not on board.
Not because she’s trying to sabotage you…
But because she doesn’t trust the way you’re trying to get there.
That part is what I call the rebel—and she’s not the enemy.
In fact, she might be trying to protect something vital.
And, while she may seem like a troublemaker, once you learn how to work with her, she can actually become one of your strongest ally.
In this blog, you’ll discover:
- Why you keep sabotaging the goals you actually want—and how understanding your rebel part (she/he) helps you break the pattern
- How to stop fighting with your inner rebel and start working together—so she/he protects your freedom without derailing your growth
- Three powerful ways to partner with your rebel part—so she/he becomes your fiercest ally in building the life you truly want
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Where the Rebel Part Comes From
The rebel part often develops early in life—especially in environments where autonomy wasn’t safe, respected, or allowed. Maybe you were praised for being easygoing or compliant, but met with disapproval or punishment when you questioned, resisted, or expressed your own preferences.
This dynamic often begins in relationship to food, because food is one of the first ways we learn to interact with our body. We know when we’re hungry. We know when we’re full.
But let’s say you’re still hungry after a meal and want seconds—and someone says, “You’ve had enough.”
Or your body is telling you you’re full, but a caregiver insists, “Finish your food.”
Or you’re told certain foods are good and others are bad, even though you love the ones that are labeled “bad.”
There’s a specific kind of confusion that arises in these moments—when what you feel doesn’t match what you’re told.
Over time, you may begin overriding your body’s signals to stay safe, connected to those who are caring for you, or seen as “good.”
When Deprivation Feels Like Danger
These moments can create a sense of deprivation—not just physically, but emotionally. And deprivation, especially early on, can feel like danger.
Having enough is fundamental to our sense of safety and security.
Think about a child with a beloved blanket—a “blanky” that brings comfort and predictability. If you suddenly take that away, the child doesn’t just lose an object—they lose their anchor. It’s disorienting. It can feel terrifying.
That same destabilizing feeling can come from being told you can’t have more food when you’re hungry, that you have to eat when you’re full, or that the food you enjoy is “bad.” It can also come from legitimate medical or dietary restrictions—even if they’re necessary—because the body doesn’t always distinguish between voluntary structure and felt scarcity.
Enter the Rebel: Protector and Advocate
The Rebel is like a protective older sibling.
That’s where the rebel part steps in.
She’s like a protective big sister whispering, “I got you, sis.”
She’ll sneak the food if it feels like there isn’t enough.
She’ll give it to the dog under the table if there’s too much.
The rebel part doesn’t want to sabotage you—she wants to soothe you.
You can bet she’s going to show up when your boundaries are violated—even when you’re the one doing the violating. And yes, it’s absolutely possible to violate your own boundaries—especially when you’re following internalized voices that have lived in your head for so long, they sound like your own.
But they’re not actually you.
These voices may have come from parents (even well-intentioned ones), teachers, peers, or cultural norms around food, gender, achievement, or appearance.
In those moments, your developing brain starts to learn:
What I feel isn’t trustworthy. I need to listen to them instead of me.
Why We Love Him or Her
She emerged because the people who were supposed to help you regulate and trust your inner world weren’t attuned. She developed as a response to being dismissed or misunderstood—and she’s determined to make sure someone listens to you.
She’s pissed. And honestly? She has every right to be.
The rebel part exists to protect your sovereignty.
She’s not against your healing.
She’s just against being controlled—even if the one doing the controlling is you.
And when you begin to understand where she came from, you’ll start to see just how fierce, protective, and wise she really is.
Three Ways to Work With Your Rebel Part
1. Get to Know Him or Her
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Instead of trying to push through resistance or get rid of it, try listening.
Your rebel part isn’t showing up to ruin things—she’s trying to communicate something important. Start a dialogue with her. You might journal with her using a different color ink or write a letter from her point of view. Let it be a space where she gets to speak freely.
You could ask:
- What are you afraid might happen if we move forward with this goal?
- What do you need me to understand before you feel safe coming along?
- Am I moving too fast for you?
- Is there something about this plan that feels familiar in an uncomfortable way?
She may not have polished answers. That’s okay. Just making space to hear her changes the dynamic from fighting against yourself to caring for yourself.
Let her speak without censoring or correcting her. You might be surprised by how wise, protective, and insightful she really is.
And if another part of you feels anxious about slowing down to listen—that makes sense too. You might fear that if you pause or soften, you’ll lose momentum or never reach your goals. Maybe you’ve relied on discipline or urgency to feel in control. That part of you is trying to help, too.
Try reassuring that part by saying something like:
“I’m not abandoning our goals—I’m trying to bring all of me along for the ride. I believe we’ll actually get there with more ease if we work together instead of fighting each other.”
It’s not about choosing between discipline and softness. It’s about creating a relationship where both can exist—and where no part of you has to go quiet to move forward.
2. Validate and Thank Him or Her
Once you’ve heard what she has to say, thank her.
She didn’t show up to sabotage you. She showed up to keep you safe—often using strategies she learned a long time ago. Maybe they’re outdated now, but they once made perfect sense.
You might say:
“I get why you’re digging in your heels. I know rules and structure haven’t always felt safe. You’ve looked out for me in ways no one else did, and I really appreciate that.”
When you offer genuine validation, even for behaviors you’re trying to change, it sends a powerful message: You don’t have to fight me to be seen.
This simple act of acknowledgment can shift your relationship from power struggle to partnership.
3. Invite Him or Her to Join You
Once she feels seen and respected, you can invite her to come with you—not as an obstacle, but as a teammate.
You don’t need to over-explain or convince her. Imagine how you’d speak to a younger sibling or a scared child who just lost their blanky. Gentle. Reassuring. Kind.
Instead of pushing her aside, enlist her strength.
Frame your goal as something that honors both freedom and safety.
Trying to build a new habit? Let it be an act of self-respect, not self-punishment.
Trying to set a boundary? That’s her specialty—rebellion in service of your well-being.
You might say:
“Hey, rebel—you’re great at spotting what doesn’t feel right. Can you help me stay connected to what actually matters to us?”
She doesn’t need to be tamed. She just needs to be trusted.
Final Thoughts
Self-sabotage isn’t a failure of willpower—it’s often a sign that rebel part that doesn’t feel safe moving forward yet.
The rebel part isn’t here to ruin your life—she’s here to make sure it’s yours.
When you stop seeing her as the enemy and start seeing her as your fiercest protector, everything changes.
She doesn’t want you to abandon yourself ever again. And if you show her you won’t, she’ll help you build something incredible.
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